Written by If you had me choose between accepting a coffee chat request from a stranger and a root canal without Novocain, I would jump in that dentist chair so fast it would make your head spin. The words “1:1” literally make me break out in a cold sweat; however, this has become the new tactic in networking events to build relationships. While I cannot deny it is effective when you connect with people who complement your work, it isn’t for everyone!
Public Service Announcement
Side note (and teeny, tiny venting session): I am getting really sick of some coaches who have decided to target being an introvert as if it is some ailment or burden we carry and we need them to help us survive. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert, and we can be as successful as any extrovert or ambivert. Our methods and tactics to engage may differ, but they work for us. I have been doing this for over 17 years, and I find I thrive in the Awareness part of the customer journey by making my contributions through writing. Why? Because introverts (most of us at least) HATE small talk, so when we have something to say, we mean it – hence the working relationship with newsletters and blog posts (even if they are sporadic in nature), but I digress.
Again, I can’t speak for all introverts (still waiting for the final vote on who will be the official spokesmodel). I can only speak for myself; however, if you find yourself nodding your head and a few “yep,” “yeah,” or “that’s me” comments slip out — I see you, I feel you. Introverts United! (Separately…) While we do have similar characteristics, all introverts are different; however, if you were to look up the traits of an Introvert out of sheer curiosity, I would qualify as your stereotype/poster child.
Why do I say this?
When I took the Myers Briggs Personality test, my “I” was so extreme that the proctor had me take it again (spoiler alert – it didn’t change). I wasn’t at all surprised and my whole thing is ISTJ. I loathe small talk, am quickly drained when interacting with strangers, bask in absolute silence, and prefer quiet over noise any day of the week (and yes – I silently curse the bass coming from cars). While I will tolerate teamwork and group projects, I prefer to work alone, and even if put in a group, will hang back as much as possible. I am as reflective as a mirror, very much self-aware, and avoid conflict and confrontation as if my life depended on it – not so much out of a need to please but because it makes me have to “deal” with the person longer than necessary.
One second – let me catch my breath – that was a lot!
I swear this ties into the initial subject of this blog post. I shared ALL of that because where in that description does it scream “Please! Please connect me with an absolute stranger for 15-30 minutes!” Introverts prefer to make authentic connections. We can feel who we will connect with, who we can talk to, who we will have a successful engagement with. We want the ability to test the water and quickly walk away if our intuition is wrong. We don’t want to feel cornered, trapped, or stuck talking with someone we don’t find engaging because it is tiring, draining, and insanely unpleasant.
So what is a viable solution?
While the primary focus of this post is on coffee chats, virtual networking events are usually the gateway to these connections. For that reason, I will focus on both below.
For Introverted Business Owners:
For those of us who are introverted small business owners and understand networking is a necessary evil, lean more towards networking events that showcase group talks of 3 or more people. This allows others to engage, interact, and you can contribute where you see fit or hang back and listen to the conversation. I find the more people in a group, the more willing I am to speak as someone will eventually say something that pulls an authentic comment out of me. With that being said, too large a group will have the opposite effect, especially if you are like me and have a touch of social anxiety. I have found the sweet spot to be between 3-5 people. The more you add to that, the less likely I am to engage. Again, this differs from person to person, so find your own ‘sweet spot’ that works for you.
If you are receiving coffee chat requests, create a form for individuals who want to chat with you. Your time and inner peace is priceless, and the last thing you want is to be stuck in a meeting for 5 minutes, let alone 30, where someone uses the opportunity to talk nonstop about their product/service and all the ways you can help them. When creating the form, be candid – let them know that you only have so much time and only want to connect with those who complement your business. That is the reason for the coffee chat, correct? To speak with individuals who can help you as much as you can help them. You aren’t giving up this time to be sold on a product or service. You aren’t blocking off valuable hours of your day to learn all the ways you can bring them clients or help them grow their business. You are looking to make connections and partnerships that are mutually symbiotic (not parasitic!).
For Business Owners Looking to Connect:
Understand not everyone is the same. I can’t stress this enough. Do not be offended that your coffee chat is turned down or your meet-up is denied. It isn’t personal. Yes, there are plenty of business owners who constantly have coffee chats with anyone and everyone, but there are some of us who are extremely selective, and it may take our paths crossing a few times before we are comfortable having a private conversation. Don’t be forward about it, don’t be aggressive about it, and definitely don’t be demanding about it. Introverts (again not all of us) can be skittish, and if you come on too strong, we will bolt – even if the opportunity seems promising.
For Networking Groups:
I strongly encourage sticking with smaller groups to have more effective conversations. Yes, I have been in this situation where one person just takes over, and I find myself doing work in the background until they tire of hearing their own voice or someone finally interrupts them. I had one situation where it turned into a mini-coaching session between two people for the entire breakout session! If you do the smaller groups, the most effective way I have seen this conducted is each person has 1-2 minutes to speak about who they are, what they do, and then answer the icebreaker question provided by the networking host. Once that is done, the floor is then open to follow-up questions or group discussions to use the remaining time. This setup so far has been my favorite. If you find that you do want to connect with someone after this, again – you have had the opportunity to get a better feel before sending out a coffee chat request.
If you are going to do 1:1 speed networking, keep the timer short (5-7 minutes). I have perfected the art of getting the individual to talk about themselves if I find I do not want to be part of the conversation. If I do feel like I have made a real connection during that brief time, I will make the effort to extend an offer to connect longer via a coffee chat; otherwise, I move on.
The point of all this is that Coffee Chats are not for everyone, and the strong industry push for them is causing more and more introverts to retreat. We thrive on real connections and authentic conversations. We value our time and our peace and have no desire to fill up our calendars just for the sake of it. We want to build our networking and formulate lasting relationships but we want them to be meaningful.
In other words, please be mindful when making coffee chats volun-told! I, for one, would appreciate it!
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